Oh, friends. There is… so much.
My APMM* practice has really moved from the pages into my embodied, daily life and awareness this past month. Palpable.
Beginning with the invitation prompts from the Taurus New Moon back in early May, this somehow makes sense… but not in the way I might’ve imagined!
I expected more of an earthy peacefulness, clarity in what I want and heightened senses with Spring, I guess. I’m giggling at my presumption.
The sense-connection has been strong. Sensitive, to be most precise.
The pull to put hands in earth has been undeniable. All I want to do is work in my yard – transforming the old into new lush spaces and food (hopefully)!
The peace, though, has been through effort, intention and surrender… a conscious choice… at the crossroads of unexpected happenings, within and without. Including broken bones and many nuances of the unexpected shaking up spaces, routines, moods and such.
This month asked me to extend the prompt from “Are you able to receive your own intuition and truth?” to:
“Are you able to receive your own intuition and truth even when it changes and it’s really frickin’ hard to admit?“
A potent question to face.
“What patterns are you living?” was another prompt.
That one can really poke, too, ya know?
I’ll share one here that hurts to admit: I make excuses not to paint or be outside a lot of the time, unnecessarily – even though all I really want to do, at my core, is paint and be out in nature. It’s how I feel most me, centered, most connected to the best parts of me and this incredible world.
I let my sense of duty to life’s obligations and relationships act as a wall between me and that calling of my creative spirit all too often.
Not that this isn’t reasonable or necessary some of the time. Or that, sometimes, we actually need to dwell a bit in the process of resistance.
And I want to be clear that this isn’t about forcing through the resistance using our idea of courage like an oversized bicep. Too often this has us ignoring the deeper truths that are the roots of the pattern of resistance….. and those roots can indicate fertile ground for healing if we shift our approach.
Sometimes, though, resistance ceases to be a place of important rest or growth, and can instead turn into a pattern that is most unhelpful. Even after we see it, feel it, and get why we resist.
The old reflex of resistance can become a crutch. An escape. A habit. An excuse to not grow toward what we know we want and need.
So something has to give. To shift. To change. To stand strong in a different way.
For me, this old pattern is really about valuing my self less than the details of everything and everyone else around me that I give my energy to, or that calls for my attention in the unexpected happenings of life.
It’s an old-story worth-issue, that is often found deep in the quiet within, like a whispering presence we thought had already healed or exited the premises. Yikes.
And that’s the part that hurts, friends. I know so many of you get it, have experience with it, bear witness to these types of healing journeys… and we can all see this is an unhelpful, energetically draining pattern to be blindly living.
I’ve been here before, too. It’s part of my cycles of spiraling through my own awareness and growth in this life. I’m learning.
I do feel certain that part of my soulwork this time around is about choosing my creative practice and choosing to go BE in places (nature!) that bring me back to the peace within myself even when it’s really frickin’ hard to pick up the brush or get to the park, mountaintop or river… or to just let my knees kiss the earth and my senses slow way down in my backyard.
Choosing it again and again is key – as a disciple to its mysterious medicine – to break the funky stagnancy that can come over me like a fog when I’m not making time to do those things.
Because every time I choose what is good for my soul, I am breaking that old-story pattern. Standing a little stronger with spirit.
I don’t really know why I’m called to paint and share bits of what I harvest from my internal creative process, or to spend time sitting outside, seemingly doing nothing, as I let myself enter the liminal spaces of nature’s holy energy.
All I know is that I am called to it.
And that sometimes, by the grace of whatever I and you and anyone else call God – tending my own spirit-fire, and sharing the spark within, can become a breadcrumb of hope or clarity on someone else’s trail – for reasons I need not know.
I’m still working on the “What do you want?” and the consistent, sustainable commitment part of the Taurus invitation.
But I definitely sense a grounded clarity has re-surfaced that only life’s unexpected happenings can really make us see and… choose.
While I did several art journal spreads over this past month as part of my practice, it’s that painting-study above that resonates with me most right now, as a visual story of these living layers somehow.
I see in it, and remember because of it, the gift of slowing down, being present to the ups and downs of the creative process, and moving paint in reverence for nature.
Did you take part in last month’s Taurus Art Practice Moon Magic invitation? I always love hearing about your process and responses, if you feel called to share. It’s also perfect to honor your practice and reflection by not sharing, too.